The average person usually learns about attachment types when something in their relationships or interactions goes wrong. Typically, someone trying to figure out the root of their issues and find solutions discovers they have an anxious attachment style. They often find their partner has an avoidant or anxious-avoidant style.
Once this anxious person discovers the theory that explains what’s happening between them and their partner, the following steps involve reading numerous articles and watching videos on how to understand the avoidant type, how not to trigger them, and even how to make them fall in love.
Welcome to the internet, home to an entire industry that thrives on the theories of attachment types!
What is Attachment Theory?
According to the attachment theory formulated by English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, attachment is a basic human need for interaction with a significant other.
Traditionally, parents (or their equivalents) are the first significant relationships in a person’s life. A child’s sense of security and comfort from their parents influences their future relationships.
For example, suppose someone had open and trusting relationships with their parents, and the parents supported the child’s separation and independence. In that case, this person will likely establish healthy relationships as an adult.
Conversely, suppose the parents were overprotective or emotionally distant. In that case, the adult might seek similar relationships because they feel familiar or look for partners who compensate for what was missing in their childhood, which is not the basis for a healthy relationship.
Types of Attachments
There are four attachment styles:
Secure
Anxious
Avoidant
Anxious-avoidant
We won’t delve deeply into each attachment style, how they develop, and how to deal with them here, but in brief:
An anxious attachment style is characterized by a constant need for closeness, dependence on reassurance of their worth, jealousy, and difficulty coping with separation.
Real closeness in relationships is unacceptable for someone with an avoidant attachment style. Generally, this is a protective reaction; the person fears being abandoned, hurt, or overwhelmed by the relationship.
Therefore, avoidant individuals often adopt selfish, cynical, or detached attitudes toward their partners.
Anxious-avoidant is a mix of the first two styles, sometimes referred to as disorganized. A person with this type may overreact to a lack of love or separation and be distant and avoidant at other times.
The idea of dividing the world’s 8 billion people into four clear types is undeniably appealing.
The world is uncertain, which frightens us. We like to bring clarity and rationalize things. This isn’t bad, as any typology that helps us understand ourselves and those around us is useful. But it’s not as simple as applying a set of convenient labels.
Some Questions About Bowlby’s Theory
Research shows that people can have different attachment styles with other people. For instance, with one person, you might anxiously check your phone every five minutes, waiting for a message, while with another, you are entirely calm if they don’t contact you.
And that doesn’t mean you don’t love the second or are less attached to them!
Attachment styles also tend to evolve toward the secure end of the spectrum as people age. Insecure attachment styles are more common in younger individuals. The anxious style is typical of those with self-esteem issues and a lack of self-confidence. In contrast, the avoidant style is more common among those with narcissistic traits, thinking too highly of themselves and not highly enough of others.
Over time, most of us accumulate life experience and reflect on our behavior. We learn confidence and responsibility, engage with diverse individuals, become attuned to our emotions, and develop empathy. All these experiences help us form secure and reliable bonds.
Thus, there’s a difference between someone with an insecure attachment style at 20 and 35.
Moreover, attachment theory sometimes shifts the responsibility for an adult’s actions onto the parents. Despite the undeniable significance of childhood experiences for psychological health, it’s essential not to forget that blaming parents for our actions is not entirely fair. This mindset can hinder the recognition that we control our lives and can change them for the better.
As always, the kernel of truth in attachment typology is actual, but reducing relationship issues to just this typology is simplistic.
Benefits for the Avoidant
We now approach why the topic of avoidant attachment style is so popular. A vast portion of articles and videos is dedicated to how to build a relationship with an avoidant: how not to pressure them, how to make them fall in love, how to heal them, and how to teach them by example. Strangely, no one seems interested in how to make someone fall in love with the anxious type!
What happens is this: in relationships, the person who needs more automatically takes on the anxious role. The one indifferent or slightly nauseated by the relationship automatically becomes avoidant. And this dynamic depends not so much on childhood relationships but on what happens between two adults here and now.
That’s just how people are structured.
You’ll start to flounder if you’re inundated with more love, care, and demands than you’re ready to handle.
The avoidant attachment style becomes a very convenient excuse for both parties.
The so-called avoidant (who might be indifferent, cowardly, lazy, or manipulative) can use their attachment style to justify coldness, indifference, lack of initiative, or even infidelity. Narcissists and manipulators can use this type to justify extracting resources and love from their partner, giving little or nothing in return.
Benefits for the Anxious
The anxious also benefits from this scenario. If it’s just their partner’s attachment style, it doesn’t mean they aren’t loved, right? Yes? Please…
Of course, as I mentioned, everyone is different. Perhaps your partner is more fearful, cautious, and slow to engage in relationships. But if you feel their interest and responsiveness to your needs, there’s something to work with. Cold people should gradually open up and show they are willing to improve.
And if, instead, all you get is anxiety and pain, maybe it’s time to ask yourself some tough questions.
You may have found this material while trying to understand what to do about your avoidant partner. Perhaps the best answer to your question is another question: why are you choosing such a person?
Could you actually need them to be just this way—avoidant?